In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you

My mom is 47 today.

There are times when I want to forget that the rest of the world exists and just crawl into my own little cave and hibernate. There are times when I want to forget about things like compassion and shared understanding and connectivity and just say fuck the world, I'm fine on my own, just leave me alone, thanks and good riddance. There are times when nothing appears to be beautiful and the world is simply barren and desolate and depressing, and this includes the people that inhabit it, even loved ones. Don't get me wrong - times like these are not a cry for attention or help, far from it. When I feel like this I don't want to see or talk to anybody because I know that nothing they say or do will make me feel better. I don't want them there; their presence is only a distraction for the thoughts I want to pursue. The only person able to get me out of this self-dug hole is myself, and if I'm particularly stubborn, I won't want to leave for awhile.

The thing is, thoughts like these aren't driven by anger or hatred for everything and everyone around me. They aren't driven by desperation, or even self-pity. I'm not sick of people. I don't want to die. I haven't lost my purpose or my way. Ironically, it's times like these that I feel most alive and most alert, albeit in a less fathomable way than if I were jumping up and down for joy because something wonderful has happened and I simply can't wait to share it with the rest of the world. No, these thoughts are meant to be private, and it is only in the recesses of my own mind that I can fully pursue them.

In a recent conversation with someone I truly admire and have a lot to learn from, I was asked if I had any regrets. I said I didn't. In my honest opinion, I believe that I'm far too young to have any real regrets.

Why are you so scared?

Life is cruel and unusual (and maybe a little funny, but just a little)

My first full day home and I'm sick.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Imagine.

Every moment reveals its own universe.


"I can't keep myself and keep you too."

How very profound, Kanye.

Out of Sheer Procrastination

The Last Survey of 2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Well, a lot of things. But the biggest thing would probably have to be living in my own apartment.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn't make any & won't make any. It's ridiculous to sketch out a self-improvement plan on just one day of the year, when you could (and should) be doing it all the time.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

England, France, Italy

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A decent but cost-effective keyboard.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 18, 2008 - one of the best movie experiences of my life

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Dabbing in the arts of self-sustenance

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not completing NaNoWriMo

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not exactly

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A ticket to see Les Mis in London

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

David Tennant's performance in RSC's 2008 production of Hamlet

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

There's a lot:

-The man carrying the sign on Election Day that said "Yes on Prop. 8 isn't about universalizing marriage. It's about normalizing perversion." Seriously, what the fuck?

-The Mormons who went to enormous lengths, including some who donated their entire life's savings, which probably included many of their children's college funds, to make sure Prop. 8 didn't pass in California.

-The same people whose behavior makes me appalled and depressed nearly every day of the year: people who are too close-minded to even entertain a second opinion on any given issue. Mainly those who failed to recognize that gay marriage is an issue where the separation of church and state should be recognized in a country where religion and politics are not legally intertwined.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Movies

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Dark Knight

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Hmm, I dunno about this one...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Read.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

No regrets.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Probably with family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yeah.

22. How many one-night stands?

None

23. What was your favorite TV program?

30 Rock, Firefly


24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No

25. What was the best book you read?

I dunno about "best" book, but Unaccustomed Earth was pretty good.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack!

I also remember hearing this one song I really liked, but I don't know what it's called or who it's by. Funny how these things work.

27. What did you want and get?

Knowledge, independence, satisfaction

28. What did you want and not get?

More time

29. What was your favourite film of this year?

Let The Right One In

The Dark Knight is a pretty close tie.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

20. Spent the day with loved ones, it was pretty sweet

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More time!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

The more layers, the better.

33. What kept you sane?

I am proud to say that I did.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

David Tennant

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Prop 8

36. Who did you miss?

I missed (miss) a lot of people, all the time.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I refuse to answer stupid questions like this one.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Sometimes you just have to enjoy the moment.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Nothing comes to mind right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever think of LA as home.