I think I just figured out a small piece of my future - a significant, albeit small, victory in the raging war of post-grad doubt and fear. I think I'm beginning to realize, finally, that I have a lot more options than I thought I did. Behold the joy of having the option to see options.

Also, very enlightening moment today with my best bud: "Don't worry about which friends you're going to lose once distance gets in the way; the ones that matter are always going to be there." Yeah. I agree 100%. The Remedy - I won't worry.

10 minutes of pity, go

no time
no energy
no passion
no direction
nowhere to run
no one to turn to
no strings to pull
i am who i am
even when i don't want to be


Sometimes I'm really afraid I won't make it.

Where did the time go? Some oldies.

I miss visiting friends at work.

I miss old friends who no longer live in California.

I miss fighting for the tennis courts at Cabello Elementary.

I miss engaging in silly competition.

I miss friends from middle school.

I miss carrying out ridiculous plans.

I miss random visits from favorite cousins.

I miss being the only girl in my family.

I miss breathing in Mission Peak.

I miss the journeys you go on with friends.

I miss teachers who change your life.

I miss taking the BART to Berkeley.

I miss my dad.

I miss taking awkward pictures with the dork who always needs a haircut.

I miss their cheesy smiles.

I miss Delaine Eastin and all the joy and laughter that came with it.

I miss us.

I miss San Francisco on a rainy day.

I miss the old crew.

I miss Hedrick 7 North.

I miss silly anecdotes that years later don't make a difference.

I miss living in the dorms.

I miss the sense of kinship among those striving for the same thing.

I miss Relay for Life.

I miss lounging around with old buddies on a hot summer day.

I miss the dessert places in SF.

I miss the Bleeding Giraffes. Number one!

I miss a wonderful weekend in San Diego.

I miss moments that should be on TV sitcoms.

I miss planning surprise birthday parties at my house.

I miss the graduates of '07.

I miss the teachers you can go to for advice.

I miss serious conversations about life, love, and everything in-between.

I miss France.

I miss weird shenanigans with the roomies.

I miss holidays spent at home.

I miss my best friend.

I miss holiday parties.

I miss late nights at Tapioca Express.

I miss the girls of PSN.

I miss being in a group where you feel like you belong.

I miss this.

Watch the horizon go

Screw self-pity. I'm going to allow myself exactly 10 minutes of self-degradation and frustration every day. Then it's time to move on.

On a much happier note, the Los Angeles Times Book Festival is coming up on the weekend of April 25-26. As always I'm beyond excited...I love the fact that I go to school that not only has one of the best film schools in the nation, but is also conveniently located in a city where people actually congregate out of their love for the written word. Seriously, how awesome is that?

I still remember going to the festival for the first time my freshman year. Sitting there listening to Ray Bradbury spill his words of wisdom across the open stage of students, families, and kids all listening in rapture, I pretty much fell in love with UCLA for the first time. Every year I go I always have a wonderful time and I'm so grateful that I get to experience it. I'm going to miss things like this when I graduate. Which, thankfully, is not next year.

It's a hum-dinger

Sometimes I question why I do certain things even when in my heart I know they're right.

I got myself into too much this quarter. It's not that I don't have confidence in myself and my abilities but it's all becoming a little too much and I've only finished with the first week. I don't know how I pulled off a good grade in my English class last quarter when I didn't finish four of the twelve novels and completely missed a question on the final exam (as in, forgot to go back and answer it), but it's not going to fly for Elizabethan literature. It's not so much the grade I care about but the fact that I'm not going to learn anything. The class is just a dead-weight in my overloaded schedule. I want to drop it. But no can do...

What to do! I can't quit anything once I've already committed to it, nothing bothers me more than backing out at the last minute. But everyone's right, I can't do it all and still stay sane. This year I'm more tired than I've ever been in my entire life, and I'm not sure if I'm even doing it for the right reasons. If I were, I wouldn't be constantly questioning myself. But what are the right reasons? Even that is unclear.

If this keeps up I'll either have to become a complete recluse, or be hospitalized for exhaustion, or both. I'm trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle by going to sleep on time and eating right and getting regular exercise but it's not working, I still feel tired all the time and I can't escape the tenacious hold of my own vicious thoughts.

Everything is a haze and I can't see straight. I need some direction.

I'll sleep. Everything always looks better in the morning. Most of the time.

Bummer.

It's funny how people you've known pretty much your whole life can suddenly disappear. Not literally but in other ways. I've always believed that certain friendships could survive the distance but in many ways I was wrong - or just incredibly naive, which is strange because I'm usually not an optimist when it comes to these things. And it's not due to a lack of effort from either party, no one is to blame. Sometimes things just happen and that's how it is. I have come to accept the fact that there are things in life I simply cannot control and I'm okay with that. Or I will be okay. It takes a lot to break the human spirit. It's not something I can comprehend nor do I really want to. I guess what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.

But ouch. Those curve balls life throws at you? Sometimes you just don't see them coming until they hit you right where it hurts.

Tough Love

You know what annoys the hell out of me?

When people get all worked up over a fucking grade. I.e. when people make statements such as "OH MY GOD I'M FAILING ___ CLASS AND THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME SUCKS OH MY GOD."

Seriously. Shut up. The world does not revolve around you. If you didn't do so well the first time around, fucking study harder the next time and do better. Do whatever it takes to get the results you want. Or if you're just not cut out for whatever it is that's giving you that much grief, find something else to do - find something that you're actually passionate about. Find something that you have respect for and actually want to work towards. Maybe then you won't be so fucking whiny. I have no respect for people who make themselves miserable by forcing themselves to continue doing something that they clearly get no enjoyment out of. Yes, life is sometimes about fulfilling obligations and there are times when we have to make sacrifices for the greater good (yada yada - it's not the speech that bothers me, it's the people making it - using it as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility as well as initiative), but not when it comes to your livelihood. Not when it comes to something that you'll be doing for the REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. So please, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD or whoever the hell you want to reference - get passionate about something. And do it fast. Because life is short and we're all going to die. So whatever it is that's reducing you to a sniveling, pathetic, sorry excuse for a human being, get over it, move on, and do something with your life. How many people would kill to be in your spot right now? That's right. Think about that before you start crying on other people's shoulders. Not that I'm against that but sooner or later you're going to have to wake up (on your own) and face reality (on your own), girlfriend, and it ain't pretty. And honestly, it doesn't get any better than this.

Some of the best advice someone's ever given me: "Do what you love, and sooner or later you'll be kicking everyone else's ass."

I don't care if you don't kick ass. That's your business. Just don't get your ass kicked and fucking complain about it.

Sometimes, it's enough.

I think one of the reasons why this quarter is going by so fast is because I feel like I'm constantly swamped in work and things to do. As soon as I manage to get one thing out of the way, I feel like ten others still need to be done. It's a perpetual cycle that never ends.

Which is why I think it would be valuable for me to slow down and take some time to smell the roses, as cliche as that actually is. I should remember that no matter what kind of activities I choose to pursue over the course of the next few weeks, I'm here first and foremost to get an education. It's not as serious as it actually sounds. Getting an education could mean a lot of things. As long as I'm learning something - whether it's from books, from people, from running around like a hamster caught on an exercise wheel - I consider it to be part of my education. So it's not strictly book-related; I don't always have to be reading to be learning. But it does mean that I have to handle my time better, because there are only so many hours in a day, in a quarter even, to pursue those scholarly interests.

But that's not the point of this post. I don't feel like lamenting on the inevitable fact that life will always be perpetually busy and sometimes tiring, because that's been said and done too many times already.

I need to remember that as tough as handling things within a limited amount of time can sometimes get, really when it comes down to it, it's all a matter of perspective. One of those key things they teach you in an introductory psychology class is whether or not you view upcoming events, most likely those that keep you up at night worrying about how you're going to get them done, as either threats or challenges. If it's the latter you'd probably fare a lot better, and that's what I intend to do. It's what I gotta do. Otherwise I'd have to live with the fact that I'm a quitter, and that's ten times harder to do than anything I gotta get through right now.

I also need to remember that I'm at a pretty good place in my life right now. I know I'm not the most positive of people when it comes to looking ahead into the future, and I do sometimes fall into the trap of wanting what I don't have, but I gotta admit, I don't have much, if anything, to complain about right now. I'm doing things I'm interested in and even passionate about, I have good people in my life, a family that, while not on the most affectionate of terms, has never failed to show love in their own quirky, deep-under-the-surface ways, and a good peace of mind. A couple days ago I got to talk to my best friend who's halfway across the world and she's having an awesome time abroad. As much as I miss having her around, I'm really happy that she gets this chance to be somewhere she's always dreamed of being. Recently I started playing piano again, and that's been amazing. You never really know how much you miss doing something until you start it up again after a long absence. I've forgotten how the weight of the keys under my fingers could be such a soothing experience, even if most of the time I don't really hear what I'm playing (perhaps that's best). Sometimes it's not about how you do something - just that you do it. And that you love it, of course, because what is life without love?

Who's to say what tomorrow will bring but for now I am content. I don't think I'll ever be too old for Dr. Seuss when he says, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." No need to hold nostalgia for the past or a warped optimism for the future, but always have an appreciation for today and what's there in the moment.

Someday. :)

Recently I've been thinking a lot about the future. Sometimes I wonder if I do it just to freak myself out, like a masochistic kind of thing. But really, I've thought about so many things recently...

And I'm beginning to have some doubts. Like, would I really be happy in New York? Could I handle going there by myself, learning to do everything by myself, be capable of making a semi-independent living (more independent than what I'm used to now, anyway) by myself? They say New York's the loneliest place to be if you don't have anybody, and I'm sure that's true to some extent. I'll have family nearby, of course, but it wouldn't be the same as staying in California. It would be a challenge. Am I up for it?

It also crossed my mind to apply for the Peace Corps. I was talking to someone about it and you know what, if there were a time and place to do such a thing, to go out there and see the world and maybe do a little good along the way, that would be now. Now as in soon, not now as in right this minute. But within the next year or so. Now is ideal because I have no commitments - no romantic commitments, no familial commitments, no children to raise and no financial troubles to worry about - not yet, anyway. I have a little time and I'm pretty much free to do what I want to do and go where I want to go. Who knows if I'll ever be this free again? It's an incredible feeling, this freedom. A little daunting too, in terms of the opportunities available.

Because as little as I know about my concrete plans regarding the next couple of years, I do know what I DON'T want. And that is to be stuck in the domesticity of family life. Which is not to say that I don't ever want to get married or have kids, but currently that's as far from my mind as more unusual things are. I mean, sorry Mom and Dad, as much as I love you and want you to be proud of me, I also realize that I only have one life to live and I gotta live it in a way that works for me. This is not to say I'm not willing to make sacrifices, when and if the time arises. But I'm not going to be that girl who gives up her hopes and dreams for what are considered more traditional norms in society. I'm not going to be the kind of girl who lives only for her family when she hasn't even figured out what she herself wants yet. Because right now it isn't 'till death do us part.' I'm not thinking about eternal things. I'm thinking about now.

To put it bluntly, I don't want to follow in my mom's footsteps, not even for love. She obviously loved my dad when she married him. Nobody forced her to do anything. And yet, why is it that for most of my childhood all I remember hearing was strictly about what she lost? Among other things - her intelligence, her youth, her sense of adventure. She didn't like raising kids, that much I know. And I've had so many conversations that begin with "You are not your mom" and "Not all marriages fail" but that's not the point. In the end, it's not about her, really. My thoughts are my own. And as jaded and cynical as they might be, I'm also not dumb enough to use my parents' situation or the past as an excuse.

Out of Boredom

Dislikes:

1. People who are full of themselves
2. When people don't take marriage seriously and see it as one big fun frivolous game
3. People who feel sorry for themselves and don't do anything to change their situation
4. Girls whose entire lives revolve around their boyfriends
5. Guys whose entire lives revolve around their girlfriends
6. Girls who dumb themselves down to impress a guy
7. Girls/guys whose entire personalities seem like one big cliche
8. Couch potatoes
9. Thoughtlessness
10. People who waste things
11. Sleazy old men
12. Sexism
13. People who are born wealthy and coast their way through life without any real drive or motivation
14. Burning books
15. When people interrupt others to talk about themselves
16. People who think they got you all figured out
17. Happy, unrealistic endings
18. Loud obnoxious people
19. People with a one-track mind
20. FLAKY PEOPLE
21. Making promises and not following through with them
22. When people kiss ass and it's very obvious
23. Extreme PDA (small things, not so much)
24. Uptight Puritan-like thinking
25. When people think that they should get married or have kids simply because they have reached a certain age and everyone else seems to be doing it

Likes:

1. Rain
2. Snow
3. Solitude
4. Laughter
5. Spontaneity
6. Seeing bizarre things
7. Swings
8. Watching parents play with their kids
9. Words
10. Pictures
11. Music as a process, not necessarily a product
12. Watching people when they're doing something they really love
13. Learning something completely useless and random about someone else
14. Open landscapes
15. Things you can't define
16. Good conversations
17. Sleeping in on a rainy day
18. Running in the rain
19. Big cities in the rain
20. Hearing other languages
21. A sense of community among strangers
22. Seeing people interact with animals
23. Losing all sense of time
24. Finishing a really hard task
25. Hearing both sides of the same story
26. The little details about a person that make them who they are
27. Any form of self-expression
28. Fruitful arguments about a difficult issue
29. Really long roads that don't seem to lead anywhere
30. Drinking something warm on a cold day
31. Beautiful lies
32. People you can count on
33. The truth
34. Retribution delivered poetically
35. Complexity
36. Genuine smiles
37. Not knowing how it's going to end
38. Adrenaline
39. Contemplation
40. The process
41. Earning money
42. Old movie theaters
43. Complex villains
44. Tortured heroes
45. The writing on the wall
46. The smell of someone you love
47. Long walks
48. Libraries
49. Stories
50. Working hard


Qualities I Admire In Other People:

1. Compassion
2. Integrity
3. Resilience
4. Independence
5. Desire to learn
6. Literacy
7. Modesty
8. Ability to take initiative
9. Willingness to try new things
10. Education
11. Ability to laugh
12. Ability to listen

Flaws:

1. I'm selfish.
2. I hold grudges.
3. I am easily bored.
4. I don't always appreciate what I have.
5. I compare myself to other people.
6. I'm cruel.
7. I'm more inclined to see people's weaknesses as opposed to their strengths.
8. Sometimes I can't stand to be around other people. Not even certain people, just people in general.
9. I think messed up thoughts.
10. I overanalyze.
11. I exaggerate.
12. I blow things out of proportion.
13. I read too much into things.
14. I don't feel close to those I love.
15. I have a very bad sense of direction.
16. I put things off.
17. I have very high expectations.
18. I can be extremely critical.
19. I am my own worst critic.
20. I get lethargic.
21. I'm not good at expressing what I feel.
22. I don't like it when other people act immature but I can be pretty immature myself.
23. When I'm angry, I say things without thinking, things I later regret.
24. I don't like to ask for help.
25. I have a temper.
26. I let fear prevent me from what I want to do. Not all the time, but sometimes.
27. I'm easily jealous.
28. I don't like to admit that I'm wrong.
29. I have trouble accepting compliments.
30. I'm not very good at self-control.
31. Sometimes I feel that the world is just fucked up.
32. Sometimes I feel like I'm full of shit.
33. I can be very judgmental.
34. I can let one bad/unhappy situation fuck up the state of my mind.
35. I don't believe in love that lasts forever.
36. I remember the things that don't matter and forget the things that do.
37. I have a hard time trusting people.

You know, I've been thinking.

If something happened and I died tomorrow, I don't think it would be that bad.

Okay, that came out wrong. Let me try to clarify.

If I died tomorrow, would it suck that I never got the chance to do all the things I've always wanted to do and see all the things I've wanted to see? Yes. Absolutely. That would really suck.

If I died tomorrow, would there be people that I'd miss in a way that words couldn't possibly begin to describe? Yes. Surprisingly so. I don't usually consider myself a very sentimental person (EXCEPT when reading a really, really sad book - then I'm worse than most) but for sure there are people in my life that it'd be difficult saying good-bye to.

Would I prefer to die tomorrow? No, of course not. I prefer to live, and to live as long as possible.

BUT, the thought of me dying doesn't freak me out. And that's a little surprising.

Dare I say that...I don't fear death?

I'm not sure if that's what I'm going for. It was just a passing thought. Maybe I just jinxed myself. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that.

Dude I am freaking out.

Phone call of doom

My phone rings. It's an unknown number. I'm stupid and I answer it.

Me: Who is this?

Person on the other end: Your favorite person in the whole world.

Me: (thinks) Who is...?

Person on the other end: Your favorite person.

Me: Okay who is this really?

Person: Your boss, Jose.

Me: (thinking: crap!) Oh hi, what's up?

Boss: Ha, now you sound all polite. What are you doing tomorrow morning?

Me: Tomorrow morning is really not a good time.

B: But what are you doing?

Me: I have class at 10.

B: What about from 8 to 10?

Me: Um, sleeping?

B: So...

Me: I have a lot of work to do tonight so I'm probably going to be sleeping late. I don't think I can work tomorrow morning.

B: So why aren't you doing your work now? Why are you talking to me on the phone?

Me: Well, because the phone rang and when the phone rings you normally answer it.

B: (grilling) What work do you have?

Me: I have to fill out an application and I have a lot of schoolwork.

B: An application? You already have a job.

Me: (and what a greeeeeat job that is) Not for a job, for this newspaper thing.

B: Come on, you really can't come in for 2 hours?

Me: (exasperated) There's a reason I only asked for 4 hours this quarter!

B: No, you asked for 5 hours. I gave you 4. And you know why? To show you some love. So come on, do me this favor.

Me: (trying to sound forceful) But YOU made that choice. I'm sorry but I really don't think I can work tomorrow [and still function like a normal human being afterwards].

B: Okay fine. I'll bug you later in the week. I might need you for a closing shift.

DAMMIT. I knew I shouldn't have put all 10 digits correctly.

Go find some marbles to put in your happy wagon.