Emotionally Fraught

I finished an amazing book today. I would talk about it but it's late and I don't have the mental energy, especially since I think I have a fever as I'm writing this...

It's Christmas and raining outside. Usually these two things alone would be enough to make me smile, but for some reason I'm not feeling very Christmas-y. Maybe I'm too old for such things. I just find the whole gift-exchanging process so lame and tiring, unless it's someone you REALLY like and must express your love for in the form of something tangible and materialistic - but even then, gifts aren't a necessity. I would much rather have people give me their time, their talk, and their faces. A simple phone call, a written card - whatever happened to the sanctity of price-free, good old wholesome communication? A little contact goes a long way, and I'm not talking about posting on someone's wall using Facebook. You and me, we're a little more intimate than that, or so I'd like to think, so why not indulge in the relationship every now and then? But even during the holiday season, when you are automatically obligated to spend time with loved ones, this seems hard to arrange. I'm just going to say it outright - this makes me extremely sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to keep in touch with people who really don't give a shit. I hate that excuse - "no time." Such a sad, pathetic excuse. It's like giving someone the middle finger without actually having to give it. Mark my words, I would never say this to someone I truly cared about.

The bottom line is this: If you are important to me even in the slightest, I WILL MAKE THE TIME AND EFFORT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. And not just when it's convenient or out of sheer boredom. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Life is too short to do otherwise. And if you don't feel the same way, at least have the decency to let me know in a truthful manner. I don't want to have to wade through layers of bullshitting in order to understand where you're coming from. If you don't see me as a friend, at least see me as, oh I don't know, someone human perhaps? Not a little voice mailbox that you can shovel petty messages into. Goddamn. Humanity disappoints thoroughly at times. Or at least certain people do.

I have been trying to work on my temper and pessimism over the past year but certain individuals like to push the limits...

I've been pretty sick these past couple of days and spending six hours in rainy and freezing San Francisco yesterday wasn't exactly the smartest idea. Everywhere I went there were NO TISSUES! It was crazy. My runny nose was bothering me the whole time I was on BART. But it was good to catch up with people, nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like even if I had all the time in the world I couldn't see all the people I want to see - at times this makes me sad, other times I couldn't care less.

Oh no, my sore throat is coming back. A bad sign. The cold is sneaking back up on me. I should get off the internet and go to sleep. For some reason I kinda want to throw up too. Gross. My body's so weak. It used to be able to handle the cold weather just fine but ever since I went to LA it's all been downhill from there, health-wise. I don't tend to get sick at school but whenever I come home it seems inevitable. Oh Bay Area, I do love you in all your gray dreariness, so why not have a little mercy on me?

I can't remember the last time I wasn't cold.